The testimony I never put up. (I do not apologize for the length).

I can safely say that for 20 years of my life I succumbed to Satan's lies that my testimony was not good enough- that it was boring, standard, and not worth telling. During those same 20 years the way I lived my life and walked my faith walk reflected this notion and paralyzed me from being effective for the gospel. So really it was a perpetual circle of logic (or illogic). I have no testimony, so I do not claim a testimony, so His work in my life is dampened, so I remain one who is boringly living a life of faith with no testimony. Are you confused yet? Clearly, I was. A confused girl who was loved by an immeasurable God trying to walk by her own plans and hoping God's plans worked out through them.

You see, I grew up with Christian parents who went to church-served at church, read their Bibles, prayed, taught me to love those around me, and etc. It was and is because of their faith that I came to know God. But there was a large flaw in how I interpreted the God I knew. I knew God just like I knew the all his stories, all the answers at Sunday school, how to greet people at church, how to be "such a nice child who was friendly and helpful", but mostly I just knew how to act the Christian walk. You see I had seen "the walk" in full effect all around me and I knew exactly what one who was blessed acted like, one who was prayerful looked like, one who was serving was humble like. And it was this act that ruled my faith for a long time. I never doubted who God was, that he was real, or his control over my life, but it was not the knowledge of Him or my intimacy with Him that led my actions, thoughts, and desires. What guided me was the "norm" of what I knew and the role I played in all circumstances. I was confused and didn't know it. I thought I was perfectly fine and so did everyone else- and thus no testimony- boring Christian life.

In August of 2000, I made a profession of faith while lying on my bed at the Christian camp I went to every year. The pastor was speaking on having a faith that was your own and not one that was based on anyone or anything else. God tugged at my heart during that message. I knew and He knew full well that the faith I proclaimed wasn't my own and that night I claimed the faith for my own. I think that God did begin to change my thoughts and mind that day, but I think I was so comfortable in "the lifestyle" that nothing gripped me or turned my world upside down.

It became time to apply for colleges and all I wanted was to run away from the sheltered rural town I lived in and go somewhere new. Did I consult God in this decision? Of course not! If he let me get in somewhere it was obviously His plan. (Follow along with me here). So I visit 26 schools and have absolutely no clue where to go, so I apply to 6 schools randomly dispersed through the east coast and think to myself "wherever I get in I'll go". In the end I decide on Penn because I made a Brazilian friend here during Penn Previews- random but true.

My family was moving away from my hometown 2 weeks before I moved for my Freshman year and about 2 weeks before that I experienced 2 very strong types of attacks on my faith that then I did not realize were attacks. First, I began to have nightmares/terrors. They didn't contain people or places I knew but just dark, red, and heat. Secondly and a resultant of the terrors, I got very anxious and scared of coming to college. As always, I played it off cool, but for one of the first times I prayed earnestly that God would guide me in college. It was also during this time that I searched out and sent e-mails to contact people at the college ministries at Penn so that I would immediately get involved. Looking back now, I think I only did this because I was so scared from these attacks, but I also know that God put before me the decision to seek Him in my fear and He had guided me to choose comfort in Him and through His people.

College was difficult for me from day one because of the range of beliefs, styles, intelligence, all far outreached that which I had ever encountered. I went to the Campus Crusade ministry for a while and met a few girls that I got along well with, but I really missed the church ministry feel. Though I resisted attending GCC for a long time the first time I went I got put into a family group and quickly got plugged almost unbeknownst to me. I found my self serving, attending a family group, a member, almost within a couple months of going for the first time. God was taking care of me the way I had asked Him to in that prayer a few months before.

I could say I grew a lot my freshman year, but that would be a lie. It is clear to me that freshman year I just fell easily into the church-member role that I had so easily starred in my entire life. In this role I was comfortable no matter how incorrect it was. But through this I just felt lonely in this community of Asians where I did not feel like I could belong and where my sisterly friendships were so shallow. Because of this I built up my walls really depending on one friend as my go to. Coming back to school sophomore year everything was confusing. People had new goals to study more, the one friend I depended on I rarely saw, my knit group of friends in my previous family group was no more, the older sisters I was always with had graduated, and my walls were 8 feet thick. I trusted no one and I tested everyone. When they failed me I told myself I knew they would and this was why I couldn't tell them truths. This year my world fell apart. Right before the year ended, a friend severely rebuked me stating hurts, demanding truths in the midst of all the misleading, and pointing out insecurities and huge character flaws. Though he doesn't know it, this friend also showed me the most grace I'd ever seen from a person and ultimately demonstrated to me God grace in human form. I left that year a mess and running as hard and as far as I knew how to, but this show of grace was what God used to start building me anew.

That summer, I didn't attend church or even open my Bible, but God ordained that my roommate was Christian showed me simple faith. One that was not showy, but faithful. By the end of the summer, I was ready to start over- small and faithful. That was junior year- my faith was simple, not complicated, not showy, just happy and faithful. Senior year God gave me the greatest people to run the race with. From my daily interactions with them he strengthened my faith, allowed me to see how to live boldly but quietly. But most of all that year He asked me to give up my plans and follow His. Reluctantly and with much prayer I did and He showed me that though that would mean living faith in a spotlight of sorts, I no longer was acting my life- I was living it.

And so we get to this past year- my Ano Auxano- my year to live my Nazerene vow- my year to give all and keep nothing for myself. All I can say as I reflect is that He's been abundantly faithful, patient, and steady beside me all these years. I will not expect any less as He increases and I decrease.

And on this journey, I will no longer post here, but rather at M420.

see you later :D

Wow. My ano auxano ends today. Congrats 2011, it is now your year.
My testimony never made it on here and I will post it one of these days, but for now it's time to do a little bit of closure.

365 days ago I had expectations, I had visions of what I wanted my year to look like, I knew how I wanted to serve, but I really didn't know what I was in for- all I wanted was to grow.


This year...
- I meditated on the meaning of Titus 2 and what it means to be part of a church and be a worker, a sister, a servant.
- I saw God open my heart to desire his call for ministry and service in such a way where I really became less (a lot less).
- I was overwhelmed by how God was already working before my prayers, during my prayers, and allowed me to be able to intercede for people in the ways that He was already leading them.
- I was broken because I didn't understand why people didn't get it, but I realized that was God giving me a greater heart for His work despite the struggle
- I stayed up late with my family group because I believed in being a family and sense of community. God gave me strength and energy beyond belief to do all I needed to do and my family group became a family.
- I overcame loneliness and dependency on people to find joy in my solitary moments. Truly God gave me peace without my best friends.
- I realized my friendships are different now and that our paths have diverged in several ways, but He comforted me.
- God showed me the glory in His old testament through Moses and Abraham.
- I have been encouraged by those that have fought for God's work in the past - Jim Elliot, Hudson Taylor, and Paul.
- Habakkuk 1:5 became my new life verse- and I pray that I will always be amazed because what He is doing is beyond what I can imagine.
- I learned to can my own jam, my own yogurt, and frozen dinners (yay domesticity)


Thank you Lord for your provision, for your leading, for your love this year. I'm ready for many more.

I will be signing off ano auxano and taking life/living life outside the blog world. Thanks for growing with me this year. See you later.